If Tiger could read...

To: Tiger

Dearest Tiger,

Thank you so much for your delightful and heartwarming letter. I sincerely appreciated all your insight and advice; if you will, do me the honor of reading my reply.

You mentioned something about wishing to jump on me. When it's evening, and I'm wearing an old or dirty skirt, I don't mind! But, when I'm leaving for church, or your paws are excessively much redder than they ought to be, I really appreciate an effort on your part of keeping all four feet on the ground. And you ask who would notice mud? I, would be deeply aware of it. Thanks for further considering the manner.

I think it's a great idea that you're collecting things! I congratulate you heartily! And while you're at it, lets get serious about it! How about you put your collections in the barn? It seems much more like a museum out there.

Tiger baby, the cows don't like to be chased. I know you hear this multiple times per day. But I feel i cannot stress this point enough. You can just lay down and watch them. They wouldn't mind that at all I'm sure. But if you want to chase something, please chase the squirrels. They are entirely too bold.

And lastly, please, please, stay at home. I realize that Mr. Howell has a very nice puppy to play with. And he doesn't mind if you're there, but I do. I realize that, according to Mr. O'Neal, you like their dog food better than ours, but I don't appreciate when the nice people call me, near tears, to inform me that you're at their home or gallivanting across the road. And I'm sure their timidly polite dog doesn't like it when you eat his/her dog food... And suh, you KNOW, that no southe'n gentleman would EVAH eat a ladies food without heh permission! Even your friend, the atrociously pretty Chica, enforces this rule. You probably didn't realize how strongly dad and the aforementioned Chica uphold this law, until you attempted to claim that deerskin without Chica's permission. But I believe you remembered suddenly, you seemed quite subdued for the rest of the butchering process.

Thanks for your consideration of all these important matters.

PS. Currently i have no interest in purchasing another puppy. I have quite enough dog on my hands for the time.

PPS. I'm glad you like those girls, you should appreciate that one especially. Remember when she helped me save your life? All because you were a curious little puppy that explored rat poison too long. You owe her. (And me.)

From: The Girl