Be Honest

Tonight I was in my room, getting ready for cell group; as I put the finishing touches in my hair I thought ahead to what the next few moments would bring. I could hear people in the living room laughing and talking. I knew I would walk out, trying to not appear insecure or out of place, I would walk up to Girl #1 and give her a hug, next to Girl #2. One of us would start a conversation; it played out in my mind.

Me, "How was your day?" Girl #1, "It was okay, how are you?" I would reply happily, "Oh, i'm fine. Were you busy?"

Here my thoughtless little rehearsal ended. Wait. Was I fine? True, my day hadn't been bad. It had been, by all noticeable standards, quite good. Not too busy, but yet interesting. But if it was good, why was I so tired? I felt as though, no matter how much I had tried to cheer up that day, I only got more depressed. Little things that bothered me that shouldn't have affected me so much. Even with amazing parents who love me, and incredible siblings & friends who care about me, I still struggle.

I had felt confused as I thought about relationships, close to tears as I thought about one dog going blind and another one aging so quickly( I hate goodbyes). I had felt angry as I thought about the pain and abuse in this world, and mildly amused as 'aunt' Jean declared her leg would be rotted away before her knee replacement in six weeks. I mentally scolded myself, *You won't tell anyone if your day was bad cause you're scared that their day was worse. Then when you find out about their terrible day, you'll feel like a wimp cause you struggle so much, even with your nice, nearly perfect life. Just get over it, ok? Accept the fact that you can't act strong all the time. And tell the truth in answer to that question. *
I finished getting ready, scowled at myself in the mirror once more, and walked out; through the living room of chatting people, nervously twisting my braid. I greeted girls #1,#2, and #3. Then it came, the inevitable question.

"How are you doing, Barli?" I took a breath before replying. "You know what, I don't really know."